Livin' Large

If you know me or have ever met me, you know that I am a big fella'. A doctor once told me that I was "grossly obese," which sounds horrible and it is. Facts are, I have battled the bulge for many years. Seems like it has been an issue my entire life.

I have tried every thing under the sun with moderate to amazing success in losing weight, but somehow or another I "find" it again! Vicious cycle, you know. Much of my life is spent thinking about how out of shape I have become and trying to find that magic remedy.

To make matters worse, most people are insanely insensitive to fat people. They ask you things like, "How did you get so fat?" or "Have you always been this big?" Then you have the children who don't know any better. The truth just comes out, but it still stings a bit... "You're fat." What do you say to a kid when they say that? You can let 'em have it and send them crying to their mommies or just tell them the truth which I usually do, "I ate too much food and sat around a lot." Worst of all are the people that point or stare and make fun of you. Perfect strangers who elbow one another to point out the giant man that has decided to venture out into the real world today.

These situations make you want to stay at home and live life as a hobbit (not the Lord of the Rings kind either). You fear exposing yourself to a cruel world, hell bent on image and beauty. Lashing out at these idiots seems like an good option sometimes, but it would just leave you feeling even more empty inside.

My coping mechanism is to make fun of myself before anyone gets the chance. I built a semi-decent comedy routine around it. Pointing out something everyone is thinking about you seems to put them at ease. It's like they want to ask one another, "Does he know how huge he is?" Letting them know you are aware makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I remove myself from any situation that might bring light to my affliction. More and more, I protect myself by holding back from normal activities. On top of all that, Satan plays into all my fears. "If you go out to eat here, you'll be too fat to sit anywhere." "You can't go there, you'll have to walk to far and you'll sweat like a pig." "You're going to have a heart attack and die." So I don't experience life, I hide myself away.

Throughout this struggle one of my best friends and I have compared horror stories as well as the ups and downs of weight loss and weight gain. We always like to hear what the other one is doing about their fatness. In typical fashion I recently asked my friend what program he was on and what he was doing to "fix" himself. What he said to me threw me for a loop. He said, "Scott, I am trying to learn to be comfortable in my own skin." It blew me away. How can we be comfortable like this? How can we like who we are? How can others like who we are?

God really started to hit me between the eyes with this one. Being comfortable with myself. Now before you start saying, "Scott, it's unhealthy." I am not trying to say that I should just throw in the towel and balloon until they have to cut a hole in my wall and take me out of bed with a forklift. I am saying that God wants me to know that He loves me. He doesn't say, "How did you get so fat Scott?" He says, "I am proud of you. I love you." He looks at the inside, not the outer shell (1 Samuel 16:7).

God has been challenging me to do things that I am afraid of. I have made some actual strides lately too. I walked up and down a gazillion stairs to Lake Michigan for the first time in years. I was terrified for ages that I would go into cardiac arrest. I just asked God to protect me and to help me overcome that lie from the Devil. He told me, "Go ahead. Trust Me." It was like an adrenaline rush. My feet had not touched that water in so long, I forgot how great it feels.

This past weekend back at Lake Michigan God threw down another challenge. My wife and her side of the family were out on the boat in Lake Michigan. My nephews wanted to drive a few miles out and dive in and swim. I love to swim, not in front of people, but I love to swim. I grew up with a pool and I still swim regularly at my parents house to this day, but not in front of people. I could never allow them to see my body. I couldn't dare. I felt God telling me to "dive in" and enjoy the crystal clear water.

As I decided whether or not to go into the water, the lies started coming. "They are going to see how fat you are and be disgusted." "You will never be able to climb back into the boat, you're too fat." "You'll probably go so deep when you jump in that you'll drown yourself." That is the one that really made me want to laugh. Satan was grasping at straws on that one. That did it, I was going in. In my head the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman played like a soundtrack.

God was asking me to cleanse myself. I really believe that. He was asking me to dive in and let the water cleanse my soul. Remove the lies. Renew my soul. Be surrounded by it. It was literally like a baptism. Once I was in I felt incredible. There was still some fear there, but I was taking steps. I made an effort to move out of what had become comfortable.

My identity is not found in what I look like. I will not let myself believe that I am just another "fat guy." My identity is in Christ. I am a new creation in Him. The Holy Spirit is moving inside me and turning me into the man that God sees. The one He is proud of. The one He loves.